The SECRET to a great relationship!

Keeping Love Alive

Written by Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC

Published by the NJ Daily Record Sunday 2/17/13

 

            Keeping love alive in a relationship is no easy task.  If it were, the current divorce rate would not be about 40%.  What happened to the lifelong commitment of “I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part”?

            No matter how good your relationship starts, after the honeymoon is over and you add a career, mortgage, kids, house, pets, sports, extracurricular activities and other daily responsibilities that cause stress you have an instant recipe for divorce.  The good news is that it is preventable.

We are raised to believe that love is a fairy tale.  If this was true, then we would not be ending so many relationships.  We would be living blissfully ever after. In a recent survey conducted by The Knot, it was revealed that the average wedding costs about $27,800.  That is a very risky investment for such a high chance of failure. 

 I don’t know about you, but as much as I love my husband he does not arrive home every day on a white horse with flowers in hand.  If yours does, I would love to hear about it.  The reality is that we are sharing our life with another human being.  Life is hard and stressful.  In order to make it, you need to work together as a team, share the same set of values and have the same life expectations.

The Relationship Research Institute reports that 2/3 of couples see the quality of their relationship drop within 3 years of the birth of a child.  That ‘Bundle of Joy’ you were anxiously anticipating could be contributing to the demise of your relationship, unless handled with tender loving care.  This makes common sense because along with the birth of every child, means you have less time to spend together as a couple and more daily stressors.       

One of the most popular times for divorce is when the last child leaves home and the nest is empty.  Many couples stay together as long as their children are the main focus of the family.  The whirlwind of work, school, sports, homework and extracurricular activities can be all-consuming and act as a buffer for problems in the marital relationship.  If the relationship is not nurtured, then you end up becoming two strangers who have drifted apart while living under the same roof existing together unhappily.

Some people get divorced thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, only to find out that everyone has issues.  If there are patterns in your relationships that keep repeating themselves, then reach out for help so you can fix them.  Until you figure out what you are doing wrong, you are unable to change.  Never give up on love!   

A healthy relationship is an equal partnership based on love and respect.  The division of labor should ideally be 50/50.  The ability to compromise is a must.  Topics that should be discussed and agreed upon before marriage are children, religion, careers, money and basic life and family expectations.  The more you can agree on before the marriage, the better your chance of living together happily ever after.  As a counselor, I can assure you that those problems that exist before the marriage will only get worse after. 

My best kept secrets to keeping love alive are to create a schedule for regular “couple time” on a daily/weekly basis, whether it is watching television after the kids have gone to bed or planning a formal date night.  There is “family time” and then there should be “couple time”.  I recommend going away as a couple a few weekends every year or a full week if possible.  Date night is great, but there is nothing more important than getting away and relighting the spark that brought you together in the first place.  Happy parents are the best gift you can give to your children.  Your family is only as strong as your marital relationship. 

Research at the Medical University of Vienna shows that hugging someone you care about can ease stress and anxiety, lower blood pressure, and even boost memory.  Cuddling and kissing also release stress-easing oxytocin, which can reduce blood pressure and bond you with your partner.  Staying physically, mentally and spiritually connected is a necessary ingredient for a happy and healthy relationship.  Make the time to talk about if both of your needs and wants are being fulfilled and if not, how you can compromise.  It takes concentrated time and effort to keep love alive, but the results are very well worth the effort!

Dari Dyrness-Olsen is a national speaker, author and owner of Express Yourself Today Counseling Center in New Jersey!
www.expressyourselftoday.com
www.safedatingcoach.com