TOO YOUNG TO DATE...Why Kids Should NOT Start Dating Too Early!

TOO YOUNG TO DATE!

The United States continues to have the highest teen pregnancy rate among the world's most developed nations.  What does this statistic mean to you?  It means that by allowing your teen/tween to date, you are essentially putting them at RISK, even if he is a “nice boy” or she is a “nice girl” and they make a “cute couple”.  The longer you hold off on the “dating drama”, the safer, smarter, and more successful your teen will be.

A teen’s main focus should be on having innocent fun, developing their own identity, and educating themselves, instead of pregnancy and STD scares, possible abuse, and the heavy responsibilities that accompany dating.  Your teen’s time and energy is MUCH better spent focusing on themselves, their schoolwork, and their future.  They have the rest of their lives to date, so why rush it? The national divorce rate is OVER 50%- adults cannot even get the dating and marriage thing right, so why are parents encouraging and allowing young kids to do it?!?  Think of your past and current relationships.  Is this something you want your teen to rush into?  Or would you rather them take this carefree time in their lives to develop themselves fully into the person they are meant to become.

These statistics are proof that something is drastically wrong in this country.  Teens are being brainwashed by advertisements, media, music, pop culture, and Hollywood with the overall distorted message that “sex is no big deal” and that “everyone is doing it”.  You are what you surround yourself with.  The more they watch television, spend time on the internet, and play video games, the more at risk they become.  Sex sells and marketing companies have been capitalizing on that since the beginning of time.  Kids are inadvertently forced to grow up way too fast and reaching puberty even faster.  They are dealing with adult issues without the maturity level, brain development, knowledge, and experience to handle it safely.

Many well-intended parents are allowing and encouraging their kids to date, so they fit in or are popular, without realizing the consequences.  Some parents are even guilty of trying to live vicariously through their teens.  I heard on the news the other day about a mom who slept with her daughter’s boyfriend and was arrested.  Where have we gone wrong as a society?  Parents need to be the positive role models in their teen’s life and lead by example.

Realistically, the natural course of any dating relationship is sex at some point in time.  Kids start off innocently kissing, move onto fooling around, and eventually end up having sex, whether you want to admit it, believe it or not.  The temptation is constantly there.  The secret is to empower your teen to feel good about themselves, WITHOUT having to be in a dating relationship.

The biggest losers, in my opinion are the girls, who are being raised by our culture to be “sexy” at ridiculously young ages.  The media dictates how they should look, act, eat, and dress.  Girls are being brainwashed to obsess about what they look like on the outside, instead of developing who they are on the inside.  They are defining themselves by their personal relationships, instead of their personal achievements.  The logos that girls wear on their behinds are demeaning and sadly they don’t even know it.  I know this is a fashion trend because I worked in the fashion industry for many years.  However, it is a trend that is advertising your daughters as sex objects, not only to boys, but to sexual predators as well.  As a parent, do you really want other men or boys staring at your daughter’s behind?  Kids don’t know any better, but parents should.  Girls need to be taught how to value and respect their bodies, not exploit them.

The minute teens start dating their focus dramatically shifts away from themselves and school to being obsessed with this new dreamy person.  They might be physically sitting in class, but instead of paying attention they are daydreaming about or texting their new love.  Dating often leads to grades dropping, loss of friends, loss of identity & self-esteem, moodiness, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and lots of unnecessary drama.  Once they break up, you can magnify that intensity times 100 or 1,000 and you are left with a VERY unhappy and depressed teen.

There are crucial developmental reasons to delay teens from dating as long as humanly possible.  Without the brain capability of formal operational thinking, teens cannot foresee the consequences of their actions (especially in the heat of the moment).  If they wait to date, it will give their brain a chance to catch up with their overdeveloped body.  Only then, will they be physically and mentally able to make smart and safe dating choices.  Until that time, it is YOUR job to be their “fully thinking” brain.

Teens whose parents have set an appropriate age or grade to start dating report that they are happier.  It takes the social pressure off and makes them feel more secure.  Meanwhile, they can watch their friend’s dating drama from a safe distance and learn from all of THEIR mistakes.  Dating can alter the course of a teen’s life forever.  If it was all fun and games, then America would not have such devastating statistics, like 1 in 3 teens is in an abusive dating relationship!  Sure, it is good while things are good, but it is REALLY bad when things are bad.  Your heart breaks when their heart breaks.  Dating and broken hearts go hand in hand.  So my question to you is why would you rush your son or daughter into dating?  Let them be kids!

In your safety,

Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC

http://www.safedatingcoach.com/

http://www.buybooksontheweb.com/Search.aspx?kw=teen%20talk&typ=Title

Click on the link above to get YOUR copy of TEEN TALK FOR PARENTS today!!

Dr. Phil's Show Today "Mom Before Prom"

     Dr. Phil had a great show on today called "Mom Before Prom".  If you missed it, be SURE to catch it as a re-run.  For the last 10 years of my counseling career, I have specialized in Safe Dating.  It truly amazes me how many pregnant teen girls I have dealt with in counseling - countless.  This is a true reflection of the hard fact that the United States has the HIGHEST teen pregnancy rate in the industrialized world- 2 1/2 times higher than Canada and most of Europe.  Why you ask?  It is a combination of our society, media, lack of brain development in teens, and the lack of knowledge in teens when it comes to sex education and birth control.  There is a big percentage of our country that promotes "Abstinence Only" education, which really means no education at all.  As Dr. Phil says, "When you know better, you do better."  We are doing these kids a grave injustice not teaching them what they need to know if they choose to have sex.  We need to teach them how serious sex is and the consequences of sex.  Lets give them all of the facts so they can make "educated decisions".  Sex makes babies...that is all there is to it. 
     One of the girls who was interviewed on the show today was a cheerleader and moved in with her boyfriend at the age of 17 because she "FELT LIKE A GROWNUP".  She eventually got pregnant- as all teens do who are having sex without birth control.  She had to give up a college scholarship, her plans of joining a sorority, and all of her future hopes and dreams.  A big part of the teen pregnancy problem in the U.S. is that everyone is in a big rush to grow up.  They are buying into the 'FairyTale Theory" of "happily ever after", which clearly does not exist.  If it did exist, we wouldn't have a divorce rate of over 50%.  Even the very best marriages require hard work.  There is nothing "fairytale-like" about marital relationships- you are sharing your life and your responsibilities with another person in REALITY not a fairytale fantasy.   
     Another one of the girls on the show said that she got pregnant because "she thought babies were really cute". She has since drastically changed her mind, now that she has been introduced to the reality of the situation.  Dealing with reality is a big part of this problem.  Not many people want to deal with reality.  The reality of growing up is that we now have to be RESPONSIBLE.  And being responsible is not as much fun as being a carefree kid.  We have to get a job, pay bills, take care of our car, house, apartment, kids, pets, and the list goes on and on.  When you are a kid, all you have to take care of is YOU and having fun. 
     So my advice to all of the young people out there without any big responsibilities yet is to CHERISH YOUR CAREFREE YOUTH and enjoy every minute of it.  Don't be in a rush to grow up.  Have SAFE SEX- use birth control.  Being grown up and responsible is not as much fun as being a kid.  You have the rest of your life to get married and have family responsibilities.  Life is a journey not a destination...and I hope you enjoy every step of your journey!
In your Safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/
Author of "7 Secrets for Girls",
"Teen Talk for Parents" and
"Safe Dating for College Women".

Awesome Women Poem!

“AWESOME WOMEN”

Written by Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC

We are AWESOME WOMEN,

AWESOME are we.

We are strong, we are smart, we are beautiful,

for all the world to see.

We live our life with purpose

and don’t give our power away.

We stand up for what we believe in

and live for today.

We leave the past behind us

and look toward tomorrow.

We embrace all that is good

and let go of our sorrow.

We are all colors, shapes, and sizes,

so much more than the eye can see.

We are connected by the spirit within

and part of humanity.

I am you…..you are me,

let’s live together in harmony.

We are AWESOME WOMEN….AWESOME are we!

©2011 All rights reserved by Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC.

Are you a teen having sex without birth control? Then you better read this!

            If you are having sex without using birth control, you WILL definitely get pregnant.  It is not a matter of IF… it is a matter of WHEN.  As a teen your brain is not done developing until your mid-20’s unfortunately.  The last part to develop is the part you need the most as a teen and that is the “thinking ahead” to the consequences part.  So you are living in the moment and think that “it won’t happen to you”.  The United States has the HIGHEST teen pregnancy rate in the industrialized world.  So the facts don’t lie… 

This is what will happen to YOU if you have a baby as a teen:

1-     You will lose your friends.

2-     You will lose your social life.

3-     You will give up your youth.

4-     Your relationship will not work out long-term.

5-     You probably won’t graduate from high school with your class or go to college until later on in life (if at all).

6-     You will be up all night feeding a crying baby every 2 hours, changing dirty diapers, and not get a good night of sleep.

7-     You will have to get a job to support your baby for the rest of your life.

8-     You will need to find a babysitter every time you want to go out and do something without the baby.

9-     You will miss out on tons of fun things that your friends are doing.

10- You have to become responsible because you have a lifelong responsibility now.   

The moral of this story is to use birth control if you are sexually active.  Please don’t become another statistic.  Have you read my short book called 7 Secrets for Girls ~ Simple Solutions to Survive Boys & Stay Sane?   If not, click on the link below for only $9.99 this book will teach you EVERYTHING you need to know about Safe Dating- how to prevent pregnancy, STD’s, and dating abuse. 

 http://www.buybooksontheweb.com/Search.aspx?kw=7%20secrets%20for%20girls&typ=Title

In your Safety,

Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC

“America’s Safe Dating Coach”

www.safedatingcoach.com

©2011 All Rights Reserved by Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC.

The ONE thing you need to know to avoid DATE RAPE!

     After more than 10 years of experience in treating dating abuse & date rape victims at my counseling center in NJ called Express Yourself Today LLC, I want to share with you the single most important thing you can do to avoid becoming a victim of date rape.  I am going to tell you some real life stories, so you can see for yourself.  Let this be a teachable moment.
     One night a girl is at the beach with her friend.  They rented a hotel room & were there to party and have fun.  They have a great night out dancing at the local club.  After getting back to their room, the girl's phone rings at 2am.  It's a guy she met at the club.  He wants her to come down to the parking lot because he is there in his car.  Her friend kind of knows the guy, so she thinks it will be okay. She walks down and gets into his car.  He had been drinking & so had she.  They drive off and park in a secluded area.  He is much bigger than she is.  They start kissing and then all of a sudden he overpowers her, lays on top of her, locks the doors & proceeds to forcibly rape her.  No one could hear her scream.  Being raped was her first sexual experience ever.
     At a college party one night, a girl gets a phone call from an upperclassman guy she is absolutely in love with and has had a crush on forever.  He has barely paid any attention to her before tonight.  He invites her over to his apartment because he is having some friends over for a party.  She is so excited!  She leaves alone and takes a cab over to his place.  There are about 15 people there- mostly guys and some girls.  She had already been drinking earlier in the night.  They were making her do shots & play a drinking game.  Before long, she is feeling really out of it.  She can barely focus and the room is spinning.  He takes her into his room to lay her down.  All of a sudden she is going in and out of consciousness and realizes that he is raping her.  She cannot move her body or yell.  She feels paralyzed.  It is like an out of body experience.  She is sobbing while he is raping her.  After he is done, he tells her to get dressed and get out of his house.  No one at the party did anything to help her- even the girls. 
     These are 2 real life stories of date rape.  The single most important thing you can do as a GIRL or WOMAN is to NEVER GO ANYWHERE ALONE.  Late night after drinking, guys don't want to have small talk or get to know you better.  They want sex.  There is always strength in numbers.  When you are alone, there is no one there to help you or call for help.  Girls and women need to stick together and support each other.  We need to watch out for each other.  Most importantly, we need to speak out about this issue that has slowly become a national epidemic.  Awareness & education is the key to change.  Date rape is the highest unreported crime in college.  Please share this with your friends and family.  Together we can and will make a positive difference!
In your Safety,
Dari
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/

 

Is your son or daughter in a bad relationship?

            A counseling client asked me yesterday how to tell if her 13 year-old daughter is in a bad relationship.  Unfortunately, most parents are the last to find out what is going on with their kids.  This is something really IMPORTANT that EVERY parent needs to know.  Liz Claiborne did a study in 2009 that revealed that 1 in 3 teens is in an abusive dating relationship.  Dating abuse has slowly become the norm in our society today.  Please feel free to share this blog with anyone who has kids that are dating.

Your son or daughter is in a bad relationship if:

1-     They fight with each other often.

2-     They spend a lot of time crying or being angry & moody.

3-     They are constantly texting, talking, or messaging their bf or gf.

4-     They spend most of their time with their bf or gf, instead of their friends like they used to.

5-     Their personality has changed- they used to be happy & fun loving and now they are sad, mad, and not spending time with the family.

6-     They have dropped out of activities that they once loved.

7-     You know that their bf or gf is mean to them, puts them down, controls them, and is physically, verbally, emotionally, or digitally abusive.

If your son or daughter falls into any of these categories, then you need to do whatever you can to help.  Here are a few ideas:

1-     Find out for sure if what you suspect is true by reading their texts, e-mails, FB page or by talking to their friends. 

2-     Take the information you find & sit down to talk to them about it.  (If you need help talking to them, I have written a great book called Teen Talk for Parents ~ 7 Secrets for Safe, Smart & Successful Teens on how to approach them the right way so they listen to you.  It is available in local bookstores and amazon.com.)

3-     Most teens do not want to listen to their parents and unfortunately this is normal.  Seek outside help from a counselor or coach- find someone they can talk to about their situation.   

4-     Provide books/ articles/videos about dating abuse for them to educate themselves.  Most kids don’t know they are in an unhealthy dating situation until they are head over heels in love with the person.  (I have written 2 great books for girls about Safe Dating called  7 Secrets for Girls ~ Simple Solutions to Survive Boys & Stay Sane and Safe Dating for College Women ~ 7 Secrets for Dating Safely, Building High Self-Esteem & Developing Healthy Relationships.)

Relationships are the foundation of our life, whether it is with yourself, your family, friends, or intimate partners.  There is nothing more important to learn than how to have a healthy relationship.  Dating abuse is a very slippery slope toward domestic violence.  The FBI reports that 30% of girls & women who are murdered in our country are killed by boyfriends or husbands.  Please teach your kids how to protect themselves against this national epidemic, so they can lead healthy, happy & SAFE lives.  To read more about what I do you can click on the link below

www.safedatingcoach.com

Thank you for reading this blog & sharing it with people you care about!

All my best,

Dari

Are you going to make your life better this year???

New Year…New You!

By Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC

Do you want 2011 to be different?  Are you tired of making New Year’s resolutions year after year and not sticking to them?  Or… have you completely abandoned making resolutions for fear of failure?  By the end of January, most people are back to their same comfortable habits- good or bad.  Nobody knows better than you exactly what you need to change…you just don’t know how to change it once and for all.  Well, this is YOUR year for transformational change.  I am going to share my 7 Secrets for New Year’s Resolution Success that have helped hundreds of my counseling and coaching clients over the years.  Anyone can do it and you can too! 

7 Secrets for New Year’s Resolution Success!

1-      Be specific & make your goal achievable- Instead of saying that you are going to “lose weight in 2011”, pick a specific amount of weight and a date that you will lose it by. “I am going to lose 20 lbs. by March 30th.  Then make your goal achievable by losing 5lbs. at a time.  “I will lose the first 5 lbs. by January 30^th.”  Small successes reap big rewards.  If you make your goal too big, then you will be overwhelmed and give up.  5 lbs. does not seem as hard as 20 lbs.  The slower you lose the weight, the better chance you have of keeping it off permanently.  Keep in mind that whatever new habits or behaviors you use to lose the weight have to become PERMANENT habits for the rest of your life or else  you will gain the weight back eventually.

2-      Visualize & Verbalize yourself achieving your goal – Visualize or picture in your mind what you will look like at your ideal weight.  Hang up pictures of you when you were at this ideal weight.  If you were never at this weight, then hang up pictures of people who are.  Everyday verbalize or say your goal out loud - “I am going to lose 5 lbs. by  January 30th.”  This lets the universe know that you are ready for positive change.

3-      Keep a journal – A journal can be the key to your soul.  There is no right or wrong way to journal and you don’t have to write in it every day.  Keeping a journal can help you figure out who you are, who you were, and who you want to become.  Write about your progress and figure out what or who sabotages your efforts for success.  Find a pattern of what works & keep doing it.  Success is a journey not a destination ~ Arthur Ashe Jr. 

4-      Hang up motivational pictures or inspirational quotes – Surround yourself with positive inspiration & motivation wherever you look.  Hang pictures on the refrigerator to discourage you from overeating.  Carry around some instant motivation, pictures, or quotes in your bag or car.  Tape them to your cell phone, dashboard or desk.  Give yourself a constant reminder of what you want to achieve, so you don’t lose sight of your goal. 

5-      Work together setting goals with a friend- Setting goals or working out with a friend or co-worker will help motivate you on days that you don’t feel motivated.  You can be each other’s personal coach and hold each other accountable.  Weigh in together once a week- that will surely keep you on the straight and narrow and away from the junk food! J

6-      Hire a personal coach or professional counselor- Most people know what they need to change… it is just a matter of actually doing it and maintaining it on their own.  I strongly believe in investing in yourself to hire a personal coach or professional counselor because this is what I do for a living and I see the successful results every single day at my center http://www.expressyourselftoday.com/ .  Hiring a personal coach can be an opportunity to reinvent yourself and your life, unleash your untapped potential, make your dreams become reality, find a happy balance in your life, or navigate your way successfully through a life change.  Seeking counseling is a way to overcome your life obstacles and figure out what issues are sabotaging your success.  Many times our biggest obstacle is OURSELF.   

7-      Celebrate your success every STEP of the way!  After you lose the first 5 lbs., treat yourself to a massage or spa day.  Buy yourself a small gift or celebrate with a tasty glass of champagne.  If you don’t have the money to spend, then treat yourself to a day of relaxation at home- take a bubble bath, read your favorite book, light candles & just RELAX and enjoy the day away.  Make it a fun journey and SUCCESS will surely be yours!!

The number one reason to change is for YOU.  You have to want to change and be ready to do what it takes.  If you are trying to change for someone else, then you will eventually fail.  For those of you who want to shed those extra pounds in 2011, diets absolutely don’t work.  Once you stop the diet, you gain the weight back and more.  Learn how to develop a new healthy way of living.  Make changes that will be permanent.  Don’t start something that you can’t maintain for the rest of your life.  Good luck making 2011 your best year yet.  I hope this NEW YEAR brings a fabulous NEW YOU!                                          What is your resolution for 2011?

All my best,

Dari

©Copyright 2011 Dari Dyrness-Olsen All Rights Reserved.