Top 10 "Safe Dating Tips" for College Women!

1. Tell someone the 5W’S of your date:

Always make sure that someone close to you, like your college roommate, knows WHO you are going out with, WHAT you are doing, WHERE you are going, WHEN you will be home, and WHY you are going out with this person- is it an individual or group date or are you hanging out as “just friends”?

2. Fully charge your cell phone.

A cell phone won’t work unless it is FULLY charged.  Get into the habit of charging your cell phone when you are in your dorm room or apartment before you go out.  It is always wise to have a charged cell phone with you on a date, especially if you need to dial 911.  Cell phone videos or audio recordings can be used as powerful evidence when crimes are committed. 

3. Drive yourself.

If possible, drive yourself or meet your date wherever you are going.

Better to be safe than sorry, especially if you really don’t know this new person.  If you drive yourself, then you have your own vehicle to come and go as you please.  You don’t have to rely on anyone else to get you back home safe & sound. 

4. Always keep an eye on your drink!

Always watch your drink being poured & handed to you - even if it is a nonalcoholic drink.  Never leave your drink unattended- bring it with you everywhere you go, even to the bathroom.  If your drink tastes funny, throw it away.  Date rape drugs can taste salty and have excessive foam or they can be colorless, odorless, and tasteless.  If you feel “weird” after having a drink, stop drinking it immediately, tell a friend, and dial 911 for an ambulance.  Better to be safe than sorry. 

5. Know your alcohol limit.

Always be in control of yourself on a date and know your alcohol limit.  It’s better not to drink alcohol at all, especially on a first date.  Don’t ever let someone pressure you into drinking more than you want to.  More often than not, people make choices they later regret under the influence of alcohol.        

6. Never be afraid to say NO.

Never be afraid to say NO, even if you have started something you don’t want to finish.  You are in charge of your body and you need to have boundaries.  If someone really likes you, whether you say no or not, will not determine the future of the relationship.  Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect. 

7. You don’t owe anyone anything.

     Never feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do.  You never       

     “owe” anyone anything, even if they buy you a present or pay for dinner.   

     You are in charge of yourself and your body.  Never let anyone make 

     these decisions for you.  Your body is a temple and your sexuality is a

     special gift.  Don’t give it away to just anyone. 

8. Avoid isolated places on a date. 

Try to stay in a public place or around a group of people when you are on your date.  Never go into a room alone or a car alone- this is how women get raped.  There is safety and protection in numbers.

9. Be ready to avoid sexual pressure.

Always have some good excuses to avoid sexual pressure.  Here are a few failsafe ones – “No, I don’t want to”, “I have my period”, “I’m waiting for marriage”, “It’s against my religion”, or in an extreme situation “I have a contagious STD”.

10.Learn how to defend yourself.

     Sign-up for a self-defense class to learn how to defend yourself when   

     and if you ever need to.  The U.S. Dept of Justice reports that a woman

is raped every 2 minutes in the United States.  20-25% of college women will experience attempted or completed rape during college according to the CDC.  Please don’t become a statistic.  Safe dating is smart dating!

In your Safety,

Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC

http://www.safedatingcoach.com/

Author of Safe Dating for College Women ~ 7 Secrets for Dating Safely, Building High Self-Esteem & Developing Healthy Relationships! 

Lady Gaga speaks out about SAFE SEX!

     Lady Gaga had an amazing interview today on Good Morning America!  I applaud her efforts on raising awareness for SAFE SEX and AIDS prevention.  She urges parents to have open communication with their kids about the importance of safe sex and using contraception if they are sexually active.  Sadly, kids are starting to date in 4th & 5th grades, so the younger you start these conversations the better. 
     Gaga arrived at the Grammy awards in an egg after "incubating" for 3 days straight.  When asked why, she gave AMAZING advice that everyone should spend 3 days alone with themselves and their thoughts.  Instead of looking outward for love & guidance, we should turn inward.  She repeated several times that we should learn to LOVE ourselves and RESPECT ourselves.  I couldn't agree with Gaga more.  The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself.  If you don't love & respect yourself, then no one else will love and respect you. 
     Congratulations Lady Gaga & THANK YOU for using your platform to raise awareness about the DANGERS of sex and the importance of being responsible if you are sexually active.  And for all of you parents out there, please please please start talking to your kids about healthy relationships and safe sex today.  Thank you for reading my blog and please feel free to share it with other people you think might be interested!

In your safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/

Copyright 2011 ~ All rights reserved.

Are you in a GREAT relationship? Take the test!

1- Does the person you love treat you with RESPECT all of the time?  Yes/No
2- Are they nice to you all of the time?  Yes/No
3- Do they support your goals & dreams? Yes/No
4- Do they make you feel good about yourself? Yes/No
5- Are they romantic? Yes/No
6- Are they honest? Yes/No
7- Are you friends, as well as lovers? Yes/No
8- Do you like the person they are? Yes/No
9- Do they treat the other people in their life with respect? Yes/No
10- Do they encourage you to hang out with your friends, family, and have LOTS of other interests & activities besides them?  Yes/No

If you answered YES to all of the questions above, CONGRATULATIONS... you are in a GREAT relationship! 
1 "No" = 90% Almost a perfect score for a GREAT relationship!
2= 80% Better take a close look at who you are in love with!
3=70% Could be the wrong person?!
4=60% Don't settle for less...you deserve to be loved & treated with respect!
5=50% Forget this relationship & move on!

Life is too short not to have a GREAT relationship!  If you want to learn how, log onto http://www.safedatingcoach.com/ ! 
All my best,
Dari
xoxo

Copyright 2011- All rights reserved Dari Dyrness-Olsen.

The Kaity Marie Sudberry Story

     Kaity Marie Sudberry was the victim of a violent relationship in the worst way.  On January 28, 2008, her ex-boyfriend, Daniel Byrd, murdered her in cold blood in the light of day as she was on her way home from school.  Kaity was a 17 year-old Senior at Moon Valley High School in Phoenix, Arizona.  She was accepted to NAU to study Wildlife Sciences.  She had her whole life ahead of her, yet fell victim to the selfish and violent act of another.
     Kaity's family has learned a lot from this experience and wants to do what they can in Kaity's name to help avoid this kind of tragedy from happening to any other family or individual.  Anyone who knew Kaity will attest to the fact that she was one of Patience, Empathy, Acceptance, Caring, and Equality.  Kaity was a loving individual that only wanted the best for herself and others.  She was there when someone needed an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or just be there for company.  She was a silly girl that had a zest for life and even though she was soft spoken she was heard when she spoke.  For more information about Kaity's Story and the wonderful work of her family log onto http://www.kaitysway.org/ .
In your Safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/

National Teen Dating Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month

     President Obama officially declared February 2011 as "National Teen Dating Abuse Awareness & Prevention Month"!  1 in 3 teens will be in an abusive dating relationship by the end of high school and 20-25% of college women will experience attempted or completed rape during college.  Dating violence has become a national health crisis and is infecting our country at alarming rates. 
     What can you do as a parent?
The most important thing you can do as a parent is to talk to your child about what a healthy relationship is and is not.  You should be closely monitoring your child's dating relationship- periodically checking their FB page, text messages, and e-mails to make sure that they are being treated nicely.  No one should EVER be mean to you, tell you what to do, what to wear, and who to hang out with.  No one should ever text you a million times a day trying to control and know your every move.  No one should ever physically harm you, sexually make you do things you do NOT want to do, or verbally say mean things to you like "You are fat, no one would ever want you besides me, you're a slut, etc".  A big RED FLAG for parents that your child is in an abusive dating relationship is when they stop hanging out with their friends & family, they stop doing things they once loved- sports, hobbies, activities, and they start spending ALL of their time with their boyfriend or girlfriend or constantly texting/talking on the phone/computer.  Another big RED FLAG for parents is when they fight with their boyfriend/girlfriend all of the time and are crying or upset more often than not.
     What can kids do?
If you find yourself or your friend in an abusive dating relationship, then you need to tell someone immediately.  No one deserves to be treated badly.  That is NOT love.  When you are in a healthy relationship the other person is always nice to you and treats you with respect.  They are NEVER mean and they NEVER say mean things and make you feel bad.  A good person to talk to is a parent, guidance counselor, or relative.  The most important thing you can ever learn is how to have healthy relationships, whether it is with yourself, your family, friends, or boyfriends and girlfriends.  Relationships are the foundation of our lives.
     I hope you will take some time this month and TALK about TEEN DATING ABUSE.  Education is the key to prevention.  Everyone deserves to be in a healthy & happy relationship! xoxo

***Have you read "TEEN TALK FOR PARENTS", "7 SECRETS FOR GIRLS", or "SAFE DATING FOR COLLEGE WOMEN"?  Do you know the RIGHT way to handle these important issues?  Get your copy today at http://www.buybooksontheweb.com/ and find out how to protect your children or yourself!
In your safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/

 

Speaking to the NJ Senate about the SAFE DATING LAW S2114!

     What an incredible day I had yesterday on Monday, January 31, 2011!  I had the opportunity to testify to the New Jersey Senate Education Committee about S2114 the SAFE DATING LAW.  After I spoke, S2114 passed UNANIMOUSLY.  What a great day for NJ!
     The Safe Dating Law S2114/A2920 will require all public middle schools and high schools to add SAFE DATING to their annual health curriculum and to establish a dating abuse policy for the district.  Liz Claiborne and Love is Not Abuse http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/ have developed a FREE curriculum and a FREE online staff training for schools to use that is topnotch.    
     I proposed this new law to local NJ legislators last May 2010 after Yeardley Love was brutally murdered by her boyfriend at the University of Virginia.  30% of girls and women who are murdered in this country are killed by their boyfriends, husbands or exes according to the FBI.
     Liz Claiborne did a study in 2009 finding that 1 in 3 teens will be in an abusive dating relationship before the end of high school.  Dating abuse has definitely become a national health crisis and sadly it eventually turns into domestic violence, which costs our federal government over 8 billion dollars every single year.
     For the last 10 years of my counseling career, I have specialized in Safe Dating Education, dating abuse, and date rape counseling.  I have also written 3 books on Safe Dating - 7 Secrets for Girls, Teen Talk for Parents, and Safe Dating for College Women, which are a MUST-READ for all girls & parents and available at http://www.buybooksontheweb.com/ or in local bookstores. 
     I have found through my specialized counseling work that most kids do not even know when they are being abused or being abusive because it has slowly become the societal norm.  Unfortunately, kids are starting to date in 4th and 5th grades (which is very DANGEROUS) and digital technology has escalated the amounts of abuse I am seeing at my counseling center Express Yourself Today http://www.expressyourselftoday.com/ .  The SAFE DATING LAW will quickly change this lack of knowledge about unhealthy relationships for the better. 
     I started educating about dating abuse because I wanted to be PROACTIVE instead of reactive.  I travel across the country educating kids, parents, and school officials about the importance of Safe Dating.  The goal of the SAFE DATING LAW is to stop dating violence before it even begins.  There is nothing more important in life than learning how to have a healthy relationship with yourself, your family, friends, and intimate partners.  Relationships are the foundation of our lives. 
     S2114/A2920 the SAFE DATING LAW is definitely a win-win for New Jersey and I believe it will motivate and set the standard for the rest of our country to educate and protect all children from the dangers of dating abuse!
In your Safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/

    

TOO YOUNG TO DATE...Why Kids Should NOT Start Dating Too Early!

TOO YOUNG TO DATE!

The United States continues to have the highest teen pregnancy rate among the world's most developed nations.  What does this statistic mean to you?  It means that by allowing your teen/tween to date, you are essentially putting them at RISK, even if he is a “nice boy” or she is a “nice girl” and they make a “cute couple”.  The longer you hold off on the “dating drama”, the safer, smarter, and more successful your teen will be.

A teen’s main focus should be on having innocent fun, developing their own identity, and educating themselves, instead of pregnancy and STD scares, possible abuse, and the heavy responsibilities that accompany dating.  Your teen’s time and energy is MUCH better spent focusing on themselves, their schoolwork, and their future.  They have the rest of their lives to date, so why rush it? The national divorce rate is OVER 50%- adults cannot even get the dating and marriage thing right, so why are parents encouraging and allowing young kids to do it?!?  Think of your past and current relationships.  Is this something you want your teen to rush into?  Or would you rather them take this carefree time in their lives to develop themselves fully into the person they are meant to become.

These statistics are proof that something is drastically wrong in this country.  Teens are being brainwashed by advertisements, media, music, pop culture, and Hollywood with the overall distorted message that “sex is no big deal” and that “everyone is doing it”.  You are what you surround yourself with.  The more they watch television, spend time on the internet, and play video games, the more at risk they become.  Sex sells and marketing companies have been capitalizing on that since the beginning of time.  Kids are inadvertently forced to grow up way too fast and reaching puberty even faster.  They are dealing with adult issues without the maturity level, brain development, knowledge, and experience to handle it safely.

Many well-intended parents are allowing and encouraging their kids to date, so they fit in or are popular, without realizing the consequences.  Some parents are even guilty of trying to live vicariously through their teens.  I heard on the news the other day about a mom who slept with her daughter’s boyfriend and was arrested.  Where have we gone wrong as a society?  Parents need to be the positive role models in their teen’s life and lead by example.

Realistically, the natural course of any dating relationship is sex at some point in time.  Kids start off innocently kissing, move onto fooling around, and eventually end up having sex, whether you want to admit it, believe it or not.  The temptation is constantly there.  The secret is to empower your teen to feel good about themselves, WITHOUT having to be in a dating relationship.

The biggest losers, in my opinion are the girls, who are being raised by our culture to be “sexy” at ridiculously young ages.  The media dictates how they should look, act, eat, and dress.  Girls are being brainwashed to obsess about what they look like on the outside, instead of developing who they are on the inside.  They are defining themselves by their personal relationships, instead of their personal achievements.  The logos that girls wear on their behinds are demeaning and sadly they don’t even know it.  I know this is a fashion trend because I worked in the fashion industry for many years.  However, it is a trend that is advertising your daughters as sex objects, not only to boys, but to sexual predators as well.  As a parent, do you really want other men or boys staring at your daughter’s behind?  Kids don’t know any better, but parents should.  Girls need to be taught how to value and respect their bodies, not exploit them.

The minute teens start dating their focus dramatically shifts away from themselves and school to being obsessed with this new dreamy person.  They might be physically sitting in class, but instead of paying attention they are daydreaming about or texting their new love.  Dating often leads to grades dropping, loss of friends, loss of identity & self-esteem, moodiness, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and lots of unnecessary drama.  Once they break up, you can magnify that intensity times 100 or 1,000 and you are left with a VERY unhappy and depressed teen.

There are crucial developmental reasons to delay teens from dating as long as humanly possible.  Without the brain capability of formal operational thinking, teens cannot foresee the consequences of their actions (especially in the heat of the moment).  If they wait to date, it will give their brain a chance to catch up with their overdeveloped body.  Only then, will they be physically and mentally able to make smart and safe dating choices.  Until that time, it is YOUR job to be their “fully thinking” brain.

Teens whose parents have set an appropriate age or grade to start dating report that they are happier.  It takes the social pressure off and makes them feel more secure.  Meanwhile, they can watch their friend’s dating drama from a safe distance and learn from all of THEIR mistakes.  Dating can alter the course of a teen’s life forever.  If it was all fun and games, then America would not have such devastating statistics, like 1 in 3 teens is in an abusive dating relationship!  Sure, it is good while things are good, but it is REALLY bad when things are bad.  Your heart breaks when their heart breaks.  Dating and broken hearts go hand in hand.  So my question to you is why would you rush your son or daughter into dating?  Let them be kids!

In your safety,

Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC

http://www.safedatingcoach.com/

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