Let's face it....the divorce rate is over 50%, so in order to have a Happy Marriage, it is going to take some constant work and attention. Having a great relationship is like growing a garden. You need to plant the seeds, water it, weed it, give it daily nurturance & love and then watch it BLOOM.
Here are my 7 Secrets for a Happy Marriage:
Secret #1- Stay connected- especially AFTER you have kids. Studies show that with every child you have, your marital satisfaction decreases. This is because the more kids you have, the less time you have for each other, compared to when you were dating. Make sure you are having "couple time", as well as "family time". Your family is only as strong as your marital relationship. Go on "date night" at least once a month. Put the kids to bed early & make sure you are having quality time alone together to connect with each other on a regular basis. Go away on vacation alone as a couple once a year or more if you can. Get in the habit of making your relationship a priority. The best gift you can give to your kids is happy parents who love each other. So many kids don't grow up with healthy relationship role models- how can they possibly have healthy & happy relationships if they have never seen one???
Secret #2 - Even after you are married, pretend you are dating. Remember all of those nice things you used to do for each other when you were dating? Well... you should still be doing them! Be romantic, give each other cards for no reason, write each other love letters, meet for lunch while the kids are at school, bring them lunch at work as a surprise. It doesn't cost money to be romantic. Be spontaneous so you don't get in a rut. So many couples fall into a daily rut, stop caring about how they look, stop spending quality time together as a couple, and let life get the best of them. I hear couples say to me in counseling all of the time that they are "too busy & don't have the time"....you have to MAKE the time. There is NOTHING more important in life than making time for the person you love. If you don't, you will either end up in a very unhappy & unsatisfying relationship or become another divorce statistic.
Secret #3 - Kiss & hug every single day. Happy relationships are physically connected. When was the last time you "made out" with your spouse? I bet when you were dating, you kissed & hugged all of the time. There is nothing more important than touching each other on a regular basis- kiss, hug, hold hands, and the love you feel for each other will keep growing & growing, just like a beautiful garden in full bloom. And make sure that you are not just doing these things robotically- put some passion, feeling & meaning into it. This is the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with- if you want to keep your love alive then you need to remember why it is that you fell in love with them in the first place!
Secret #4 - Tell your spouse that you love them at least once a day. Love is a universal need. It is so important to remind your spouse that you love them & you appreciate them. Too many couples take each other for granted. Our most important need as human beings is to love & be loved. That is all most people ever want. What a great gift for yourself & your spouse to say those 3 words every day to each other. Through better or for worse, through sickness & in health....that is what marriage is supposed to be!
Secret #5 - Focus on the positive stuff & TALK. Oftentimes, when couples come in for counseling with me their personal needs are not being met. You have to actually verbalize & tell each other what you need & want and be specific. We are not mind readers. Your husband or wife is not going to read your mind and automatically know that they aren't telling you they love you enough, etc. Let's face it, we can all focus on our partner's flaws, but that will only lead us to divorce court. We all have positives & negatives. My advice is to focus on what is good and you will get more good stuff. Counseling is a great place to work out the negative stuff with someone who is neutral and objective!
Secret #6 - Keep developing yourself. A lot of marriages fail because one spouse grows & changes as a person and the other one doesn't. Personal development is a must for not only a healthy & happy marriage, but a healthy & happy individual life. I tell couples all of the time in counseling that not only do they have to have a life together, but they need to have their own personal life too. Go out with your friends without your spouse, exercise, have hobbies, take a class at the local college or adult night school, and develop yourself into a healthy & happy individual. Then when you come together as a couple, you will not only be happy with life, you will have a lot of positive things to talk about!
Secret #7 - Make time for sex. As a therapist, couples don't necessarily like to hear this, but in order to have a happy & healthy relationship, you need to have sex on a regular basis. This is often a hot topic in counseling. Most couples have different ideas of how much is enough. This is where you need to negotiate and find a happy medium where both of you are happy & satisfied. Once you stop having sex, it won't take long before your relationship goes down hill fast and one partner starts cheating to get their needs met outside of the relationship. Don't let this happen to you. Marriage is an equal partnership that takes a lot of compromising. Plan romantic nights into your calendar, so you make sure that it happens!
I hope that you enjoyed my 7 Secrets for a Happy Marriage. Feel free to repost & share with your friends & family. I would love to hear your comments & any secrets you may have for keeping your marriage happy!
All my best,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC
America's Safe Dating Coach
Owner of Express Yourself Today Counseling Center in NJ
Author, Speaker, Counselor
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/
3 GREAT SUMMER READING FOR THE BEACH:
1- 7 Secrets for Girls ~ Simple Solutions to Survive Boys & Stay Sane
2- Teen Talk for Parents ~ 7 Secrets for Safe, Smart & Successful Teens
3- Safe Dating for College Women ~ 7 Secrets for Dating Safely, Building High Self-Esteem & Developing Healthy Relationships
Just click on the links below to get your copies:
