Let's face it....the divorce rate is over 50%, so in order to have a Happy Marriage, it is going to take some constant work and attention. Having a great relationship is like growing a garden. You need to plant the seeds, water it, weed it, give it daily nurturance & love and then watch it BLOOM.
Here are my 7 Secrets for a Happy Marriage:
Secret #1- Stay connected- especially AFTER you have kids. Studies show that with every child you have, your marital satisfaction decreases. This is because the more kids you have, the less time you have for each other, compared to when you were dating. Make sure you are having "couple time", as well as "family time". Your family is only as strong as your marital relationship. Go on "date night" at least once a month. Put the kids to bed early & make sure you are having quality time alone together to connect with each other on a regular basis. Go away on vacation alone as a couple once a year or more if you can. Get in the habit of making your relationship a priority. The best gift you can give to your kids is happy parents who love each other. So many kids don't grow up with healthy relationship role models- how can they possibly have healthy & happy relationships if they have never seen one???
Secret #2 - Even after you are married, pretend you are dating. Remember all of those nice things you used to do for each other when you were dating? Well... you should still be doing them! Be romantic, give each other cards for no reason, write each other love letters, meet for lunch while the kids are at school, bring them lunch at work as a surprise. It doesn't cost money to be romantic. Be spontaneous so you don't get in a rut. So many couples fall into a daily rut, stop caring about how they look, stop spending quality time together as a couple, and let life get the best of them. I hear couples say to me in counseling all of the time that they are "too busy & don't have the time"....you have to MAKE the time. There is NOTHING more important in life than making time for the person you love. If you don't, you will either end up in a very unhappy & unsatisfying relationship or become another divorce statistic.
Secret #3 - Kiss & hug every single day. Happy relationships are physically connected. When was the last time you "made out" with your spouse? I bet when you were dating, you kissed & hugged all of the time. There is nothing more important than touching each other on a regular basis- kiss, hug, hold hands, and the love you feel for each other will keep growing & growing, just like a beautiful garden in full bloom. And make sure that you are not just doing these things robotically- put some passion, feeling & meaning into it. This is the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with- if you want to keep your love alive then you need to remember why it is that you fell in love with them in the first place!
Secret #4 - Tell your spouse that you love them at least once a day. Love is a universal need. It is so important to remind your spouse that you love them & you appreciate them. Too many couples take each other for granted. Our most important need as human beings is to love & be loved. That is all most people ever want. What a great gift for yourself & your spouse to say those 3 words every day to each other. Through better or for worse, through sickness & in health....that is what marriage is supposed to be!
Secret #5 - Focus on the positive stuff & TALK. Oftentimes, when couples come in for counseling with me their personal needs are not being met. You have to actually verbalize & tell each other what you need & want and be specific. We are not mind readers. Your husband or wife is not going to read your mind and automatically know that they aren't telling you they love you enough, etc. Let's face it, we can all focus on our partner's flaws, but that will only lead us to divorce court. We all have positives & negatives. My advice is to focus on what is good and you will get more good stuff. Counseling is a great place to work out the negative stuff with someone who is neutral and objective!
Secret #6 - Keep developing yourself. A lot of marriages fail because one spouse grows & changes as a person and the other one doesn't. Personal development is a must for not only a healthy & happy marriage, but a healthy & happy individual life. I tell couples all of the time in counseling that not only do they have to have a life together, but they need to have their own personal life too. Go out with your friends without your spouse, exercise, have hobbies, take a class at the local college or adult night school, and develop yourself into a healthy & happy individual. Then when you come together as a couple, you will not only be happy with life, you will have a lot of positive things to talk about!
Secret #7 - Make time for sex. As a therapist, couples don't necessarily like to hear this, but in order to have a happy & healthy relationship, you need to have sex on a regular basis. This is often a hot topic in counseling. Most couples have different ideas of how much is enough. This is where you need to negotiate and find a happy medium where both of you are happy & satisfied. Once you stop having sex, it won't take long before your relationship goes down hill fast and one partner starts cheating to get their needs met outside of the relationship. Don't let this happen to you. Marriage is an equal partnership that takes a lot of compromising. Plan romantic nights into your calendar, so you make sure that it happens!
I hope that you enjoyed my 7 Secrets for a Happy Marriage. Feel free to repost & share with your friends & family. I would love to hear your comments & any secrets you may have for keeping your marriage happy!
All my best,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC
America's Safe Dating Coach
Owner of Express Yourself Today Counseling Center in NJ
Author, Speaker, Counselor
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/
3 GREAT SUMMER READING FOR THE BEACH:
1- 7 Secrets for Girls ~ Simple Solutions to Survive Boys & Stay Sane
2- Teen Talk for Parents ~ 7 Secrets for Safe, Smart & Successful Teens
3- Safe Dating for College Women ~ 7 Secrets for Dating Safely, Building High Self-Esteem & Developing Healthy Relationships
Just click on the links below to get your copies:
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Do YOU love yourself?
In order to have a healthy relationship with anyone else in your life, you need to learn how to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST (Secret #1 in my book 7 Secrets for Girls!). I am talking about unconditional love, as is, here and now, no matter what. Loving yourself is the best gift you could possibly ever give to you. It seems like such a simple thing, but most people struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth, especially girls and women. If you do not love yourself, then how do you expect someone else to love you the way you deserve to be loved?
Everyone is born with high self-esteem. So what the heck happens to it between the time you were young and now? I will tell you what happened to it. Over time you receive negative messages from the world, the media, your family, friends, intimate partners, and significant others that chip away at your self-esteem. Unfortunately, the most important people in your life should be giving you positive reinforcement and feedback and instead they are often very critical and mean. I say shame on them. But, you will never know why they act like they do. Maybe their parents were mean to them and the cycle has just kept repeating itself, which by the way is absolutely no excuse. Usually people are so unhappy with themselves and their lives that they feel the need to take it out on everyone else around them. Regardless of the reason for this bad behavior, this is where you need to step in and take back control of your life because we only have one chance to do it right and find happiness. No one else is going to do it for you. Today is your day, so let’s get going.
You need to love yourself no matter what is going on in your life. It is funny how sometimes you think that if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband that suddenly your life will get better. Then you finally get one and you are still not happy. Most people try to replace what is missing within themselves with other people. It does not work. The truth is that you need to be happy with yourself and your life today and the rest will fall into place. If you do not love yourself, no one else will be able to love you properly. EVERYONE deserves to be loved and treated like gold.
Do you love yourself? Do you feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror? Do you say positive things to yourself? If not and you liked what you read so far, you can definitely learn how to love yourself by clicking on the link below to get a copy of my book 7 SECRETS FOR GIRLS ~ SIMPLE SOLUTIONS TO SURVIVE BOYS & STAY SANE! I learned how & I can’t wait to teach you…it is so much easier than you think!
All my best,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC
America's Safe Dating Coach
Friday, May 6, 2011
NJ Governor Christie signs the Safe Dating Bill into law on May 5, 2011!
Yesterday Governor Christie signed the NJ SAFE DATING BILL A2920 into law. I can hardly believe that it is real. In less than a year, NJ legislators came together and did something great for the kids of NJ. A2920 requires all middle and high schools, grades 7-12, to add SAFE DATING to their annual health curriculum. The curriculum is free and the online staff training is free, sponsored by Love is Not Abuse. Basically they will learn what dating abuse is and how to protect themselves against it.
Most people don't realize the dangers that surround dating. I do because I own a counseling center in NJ called Express Yourself Today http://www.expressyourselftoday.com/ and I specialize in treating dating abuse and date rape victims. Dating abuse has become a national health crisis and has slowly become the norm in our society.
So many people ask me on a daily basis why that is? It is because kids do not know what a healthy relationship is and is not, whether it is because they have divorced parents, single parents, or a result of violence in society today. Sadly, girls don't realize that their boyfriends shouldn't call them names, be mean to them, and try to control their every move. Dating abuse eventually turns into domestic violence, which costs our federal government over 8 billion dollars every year and 1/3 of all women murdered in our country are brutally killed at the hands of their initmate partners.
May 3, 2011 marked the year anniversary since the brutal murder of Yeardley Love by her boyfriend, whom she had tried to break up with. They were both star lacrosse players at the University of Virginia, just a few weeks away from graduating and starting the rest of their lives. When I met with Assemblyman Bucco to propose the SAFE DATING LAW, I told him the gruesome story of how Yeardley's boyfriend murdered her by breaking into her apartment and beating her head against the wall until she was dead. Her college roommates found Yeardley the next morning lying in a pool of blood. Yeardley Love was said to be one of the nicest young women that you could ever meet. Her last name "Love" says it all.
The list of beautiful young women who have lost their lives by trying to break up with abusive boyfriends is endless and most of these relationships were never physically abusive until the day they were murdered. Each story is strikingly similar in the chain of events that leads up to the murders. If these young women had been educated about dating abuse and how to get out of an abusive dating relationship safely, the ending of the story probably would have been much different and they would be able to share their stories with us today.
I want to give a great BIG THANK YOU to Governor Christie, the NJ Assembly, the NJ Senate, and specifically Bruce Sisler and Matt Weitzel for all of their hard work in passing the NJ SAFE DATING LAW quickly. Thanks to A2920, the kids of NJ will be educated and protected against the risks and dangers of dating abuse...what a beautiful thing!
Most people don't realize the dangers that surround dating. I do because I own a counseling center in NJ called Express Yourself Today http://www.expressyourselftoday.com/ and I specialize in treating dating abuse and date rape victims. Dating abuse has become a national health crisis and has slowly become the norm in our society.
So many people ask me on a daily basis why that is? It is because kids do not know what a healthy relationship is and is not, whether it is because they have divorced parents, single parents, or a result of violence in society today. Sadly, girls don't realize that their boyfriends shouldn't call them names, be mean to them, and try to control their every move. Dating abuse eventually turns into domestic violence, which costs our federal government over 8 billion dollars every year and 1/3 of all women murdered in our country are brutally killed at the hands of their initmate partners.
May 3, 2011 marked the year anniversary since the brutal murder of Yeardley Love by her boyfriend, whom she had tried to break up with. They were both star lacrosse players at the University of Virginia, just a few weeks away from graduating and starting the rest of their lives. When I met with Assemblyman Bucco to propose the SAFE DATING LAW, I told him the gruesome story of how Yeardley's boyfriend murdered her by breaking into her apartment and beating her head against the wall until she was dead. Her college roommates found Yeardley the next morning lying in a pool of blood. Yeardley Love was said to be one of the nicest young women that you could ever meet. Her last name "Love" says it all.
The list of beautiful young women who have lost their lives by trying to break up with abusive boyfriends is endless and most of these relationships were never physically abusive until the day they were murdered. Each story is strikingly similar in the chain of events that leads up to the murders. If these young women had been educated about dating abuse and how to get out of an abusive dating relationship safely, the ending of the story probably would have been much different and they would be able to share their stories with us today.
I want to give a great BIG THANK YOU to Governor Christie, the NJ Assembly, the NJ Senate, and specifically Bruce Sisler and Matt Weitzel for all of their hard work in passing the NJ SAFE DATING LAW quickly. Thanks to A2920, the kids of NJ will be educated and protected against the risks and dangers of dating abuse...what a beautiful thing!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Do you have a good relationship? Find out right now...
The goal of being in a good relationship is to be happy together. Relationships are hard work, but very well worth it. There are many characteristics necessary to have a good relationship and some of those are:
- You are treated like gold ALL of the time!
- They are trustworthy.
- They are respectful.
- They are honest.
- You actually TALK to each other and don't just text.
- They like your friends.
- They like your family.
- You have a lot in common & have tons of fun together.
- They want you to have other activities & hobbies outside of the relationship.
- They want you to hang out with your friends without them.
- They are supportive of you, your goals, your dreams & plans for the future!
Healthy relationships should feel good ALL of the time...not just some of the time. If someone is mean to you, that is called abuse. You deserve to be treated awesome and I hope that if you haven't found that someone already....you find them soon! For help in having and finding great relationships, I have written 2 must-read books just for you. You can also log onto my web site http://www.safedatingcoach.com/ !
7 Secrets for Girls ~ Simple Solutions to Survive Boys & Stay Sane!
Click on the link below to get your copy today:
Safe Dating for College Women ~ 7 Secrets for Dating Safely, Building High Self-Esteem & Developing Healthy Relationships!
Click on the link below to get your copy today:
Thank you for reading my blog & have a GREAT day. Feel free to post your comments!
In your safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
NJ SAFE DATING LAW A2920 Passes in Full Senate Vote 37-0!
What a great day it was on Monday March 21, 2011. I got the honor of sitting on the voting floor in the New Jersey Senate Chambers and watching them vote on A2920 the NJ SAFE DATING LAW. It was unanimous 37-0. It brought tears to my eyes & joy to my heart! I proposed the SAFE DATING LAW to Assemblyman Bucco just last May 2010, then testified for the Assembly & Senate, and now I can't believe it has been passed in less than a year. What an impact this will have on kids in NJ, as well as across the nation. There is nothing more important than learning how to have a healthy relationship, whether it is with yourself, your family, friends, or significant others. A2920 will do exactly this. The SAFE DATING LAW requires all public middle & high schools grades 7-12 to add SAFE DATING to their annual health curriculum, as well as develop a dating abuse policy for the school district. NJ kids will be educated about what a healthy relationship is and is not and what to do if they suddenly find themselves in an abusive dating situation. 1 in 3 teens is reported by Liz Claiborne/Love is Not Abuse to be in an abusive dating relationship.
I am the NJ State Action Leader for the national organization Love is Not Abuse and also the owner of Express Yourself Today Counseling Center in Chester, NJ, which specializes in dating abuse & date rape treatment. http://www.expressyourselftoday.com/ I have written 3 great books on SAFE DATING- "7 Secrets for Girls", "Teen Talk for Parents", and "Safe Dating for College Women". I believe that no matter how good the rest of your life is...relationships trump everything else. I am so happy that the Republicans & Democrats worked together to pass the NJ SAFE DATING LAW. Now let's hope Governor Christie signs off quickly, so we can get A2920 put into action. A great big THANK YOU to everyone who has supported the NJ SAFE DATING LAW and every single person who has supported me in my work with teen dating abuse. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
In your Safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/
I am the NJ State Action Leader for the national organization Love is Not Abuse and also the owner of Express Yourself Today Counseling Center in Chester, NJ, which specializes in dating abuse & date rape treatment. http://www.expressyourselftoday.com/ I have written 3 great books on SAFE DATING- "7 Secrets for Girls", "Teen Talk for Parents", and "Safe Dating for College Women". I believe that no matter how good the rest of your life is...relationships trump everything else. I am so happy that the Republicans & Democrats worked together to pass the NJ SAFE DATING LAW. Now let's hope Governor Christie signs off quickly, so we can get A2920 put into action. A great big THANK YOU to everyone who has supported the NJ SAFE DATING LAW and every single person who has supported me in my work with teen dating abuse. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
In your Safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
NJ SAFE DATING LAW A2920 PASSES in the full Assembly!
I am so happy to announce that the NJ Safe Dating Law A2920 passed unanimously in the full Assembly. What a great day in NJ! The next & last step is for the full Senate to vote. We are hoping that it gets put on the agenda in the next few weeks. I proposed the SAFE DATING LAW to Assemblyman Bucco last May 2010 because of the alarming trend of teen dating abuse and the recent murder of Yeardley Love at the University of VA by her boyfriend. Liz Claiborne's Love is Not Abuse organization did a study that revealed 1 in 3 teens are in abusive dating relationships. Assemblyman Bucco hit the ground running and worked with many other legislators in NJ to get the bill A2920 written correctly.
The NJ SAFE DATING LAW will require all public middle schools and high schools to add SAFE DATING EDUCATION to their annual health curriculum. They will also have to put a SAFE DATING policy in place if there are any incidents of dating abuse that are reported. Teachers, administrators, kids, and parents will have access to great SAFE DATING education. If the schools choose to use the Love is Not Abuse curriculum (which is topnotch), then the curriculum & the online staff training is FREE. Basically kids will learn how to have safe & healthy relationships, what is okay and what is not, and what to do if they suddenly find themselves in an abusive dating situation.
Thank you to ALL of the legislators- Republican & Democrat that have supported this bill. The NJ SAFE DATING LAW is going to save lives. There is nothing more important in life than learning how to have healthy relationships, whether it is with yourself, your family, friends, coworkers, or intimate partners. Also, a BIG thank you to everyone who supports the work that I do with educating people about SAFE DATING....I couldn't appreciate it more!
In your safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/
The NJ SAFE DATING LAW will require all public middle schools and high schools to add SAFE DATING EDUCATION to their annual health curriculum. They will also have to put a SAFE DATING policy in place if there are any incidents of dating abuse that are reported. Teachers, administrators, kids, and parents will have access to great SAFE DATING education. If the schools choose to use the Love is Not Abuse curriculum (which is topnotch), then the curriculum & the online staff training is FREE. Basically kids will learn how to have safe & healthy relationships, what is okay and what is not, and what to do if they suddenly find themselves in an abusive dating situation.
Thank you to ALL of the legislators- Republican & Democrat that have supported this bill. The NJ SAFE DATING LAW is going to save lives. There is nothing more important in life than learning how to have healthy relationships, whether it is with yourself, your family, friends, coworkers, or intimate partners. Also, a BIG thank you to everyone who supports the work that I do with educating people about SAFE DATING....I couldn't appreciate it more!
In your safety,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC
http://www.safedatingcoach.com/
Monday, March 14, 2011
Do YOU have a fairy tale relationship?
Most young girls in America today are being raised to believe that they are beautiful fairy tale princesses waiting for their handsome prince charming to sweep them off their feet, ride off into the sunset, and live happily ever after. To convince you even further, you read princess books, watch princess videos, play princess games, dress up in princess costumes, and play with princess dolls. You can buy everything pretty in pink to become your own special princess. Most girls spend their entire lives daydreaming about their wedding, wearing their princess dress, and starring in their own princess wedding video.
After the wedding, WHACK...reality is quickly thrust upon you. Shortly after the honeymoon, more often than not, the prince and princess realize that life is not quite the fairy tale they were brainwashed into believing. They realize that they are two regular human beings trying to share a life together. Most new marriages don’t make it past the 1st year. If they do, after having a few kids, marital happiness usually declines even more because you have less time to spend together as a couple. The younger you are when you get married, the higher the chance of divorce. The REALITY is that the divorce rate is over 50%, so at least 1 out of every 2 marriages ends in divorce- not quite the “fairy tale ending” most people picture.
After the wedding, WHACK...reality is quickly thrust upon you. Shortly after the honeymoon, more often than not, the prince and princess realize that life is not quite the fairy tale they were brainwashed into believing. They realize that they are two regular human beings trying to share a life together. Most new marriages don’t make it past the 1st year. If they do, after having a few kids, marital happiness usually declines even more because you have less time to spend together as a couple. The younger you are when you get married, the higher the chance of divorce. The REALITY is that the divorce rate is over 50%, so at least 1 out of every 2 marriages ends in divorce- not quite the “fairy tale ending” most people picture.
The moral of the story is that there is absolutely no reason to rush into a serious relationship. There is so much more to life- ask anyone who has gone through a bad break up or divorce. You have the rest of your life to get married and have kids. Now is your time to focus on yourself and live your own life. Marriage and relationships are hard work, even at their very best. Yes, it can be romantic, but for the most part marriage consists of the rigors and stresses of daily life- making money, full-time jobs, child care, house & life responsibilities, and LOTS of teamwork. I want to set you up for success, not failure. Look around, I’m sure you know a lot of people who are divorced. Every generation should be getting better and smarter than the one before. So let's stop pretending that life is a fairy tale and start preparing for REALITY. The divorce rate would surely decrease if people knew what to expect going into a serious relationship! So what do you think? I would love to hear your opinion!
Best wishes for relationship success,
Dari Dyrness-Olsen, MA, LPC
Author of 3 must-read books on Successful Dating!
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